Random Squared

2005-09-20T09:21:00.000+12:00

Drunken Tales

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning
by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to
the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring
rain, is asking for a push."Not a chance," says the husband,
"it is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did
you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring
out!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke
down and those two guys helped us? I think you should
help him. You should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes outinto
the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark,"Hello, are
you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes,
please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?"
asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

2005-09-16T12:34:00.000+12:00

Is this the end?

2005-09-12T16:56:00.000+12:00

I was thinking the other day, but fortunately I snapped out of it before it was too late. Boom boom.

2005-09-02T15:27:00.000+12:00

I call this flies on lid. I smell a meellion dollarz!

2005-09-01T16:33:00.000+12:00

Yup, they found water on Mars....

2005-09-01T11:30:00.000+12:00

Sometime ago I was talking about the Hoff well here's an example. I've got a couple more so I'll post them soon.

2005-08-31T17:13:00.000+12:00

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the little woman about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

2005-08-26T22:38:00.000+12:00

Yummy! I decided to return with a friend... Sweet dreams y'all!

2005-08-09T18:43:00.000+12:00

Goddam freak!

The End (or is it?)

2005-08-09T13:29:00.000+12:00

Just thought I'd drop in and say a few words.

.... erm yup that's about it for now ... he he

bye ;)

2005-08-04T09:05:00.000+12:00

The Hoff Phenomenon

Something that I can't quite explain ... but the way that it's been done is pretty damn funny. It's amazing the amount of stuff that you can do with it. Bascially it's David Hasselhoff star of the 80's(?) & 90's tv show Baywatch and German singing star in all sorts of situations. The singing star part may have to be a whole different post ... The pictures that have been put together have been photoshopped and the Hoff has been inserted in with a funny phrase. Good for a chuckle.

I'll see if I can find some pics so you can understand what I mean.

2005-08-02T09:03:00.000+12:00

I woke up the more with a red/pink left eye.

If it's Pink Eye I may turn into a zombie or worse ... Kid Rock. You may need to put me down humanly or in the case of a Kid Rock outbreak inhumanly.

2005-07-29T13:46:00.000+12:00

We still got it
Ah and I got you babe
I don't care if your hair's too long
And I don't care if you wear a sarong
I don't care if you have a schlong
And I don't care if it's way too long I got you to hold at night
I like you in a leather thong…
I like best when your wearing a dress

2005-07-29T11:48:00.000+12:00

Not at all…
Mine was only spinning slightly so guessing that a good sign ... old man
Well, you will soon be old too!
Well until you die you'll always be older than me ...
I died three years ago….
Crap. And I thought I was younger. Damn it! Hmmm can I have your dog since you can't take him for a walk anymore?
My lifeless body can still get around
Does *insert significant other here* know about this?
About my lifeless body? I reckon she might…
I heard that you're still very "vigourous"
I don't do too bad for a dead guy
Oooo no you are bad ... you're off to the naughty stool
*shuffle*
Are you ready to apologise?
Nah
Let's boogie!
Get out the glitter ball!
Along with the glow sticks and trainers
Ooooooooohhhhhhh yeah!
Oh yerrrr. And a comb for my fro
And gold fish for my platforms!
Ooo hadn't thought of that. How about a comb for my rug chest as well?And gold chains!
Ah but without the polish you are nothing ... NOTHING!!!
And the Czechs….
The checks or the Czechs? Personally having checks would look better ... but it's your choice
Money for nothing and your Czechs for free
Sounds like someone is living in a fairytale. I'm not giving any names away but I think it could be one of us! ... or Max

2005-07-29T11:17:00.000+12:00

The Naughty Stool/Chair

Interesting concept really. One warning and then you're off to the Naughty Stool.

Better than going to your room for some "Time Out" with the tv, a game console and other toys ...

You have to sit on the NS until you've calmed down and ready to apologise for what you've done. While it's for kids it could work us bigger folk.

2005-07-26T13:43:00.000+12:00

i do not believe i will be able to attend this sunday, for i have family stuff to do during the day. maybe another day? we should space out craziness/intensity activities.

2005-07-25T12:20:00.000+12:00

Well what slacker I've been. Still mucking around with trying to email a freakin blog through! Definitely missing something (maybe some brain cells?!!?)

Anyways ... the celeb scandel continues. Some of the celebs who have been implicated have come out saying "Is wasn't me officer" *shakes head* and apparently every man, woman and small furry animals is saying "Liar, liar pants on ...".

There are others coming out saying that it wasn't them and it's like "Dude, who cares. Number 1 we never thought it was you and Number 2. Dude, we know that you have been in the mags or in the media for 5 minutes but you've gotta come up with something better. "

2005-07-20T18:04:00.000+12:00

He he he ... I'm waiting to see what they unload on Ridgey

Was he one of them? I don't think so….

Not sure. They just said two high profile, ex sports, celebrities ... sounds like Ridgey and Ellis to me ...

Nah… here's the news from the source….. Ellis and Brent Todd!

Very intertesting

2005-07-20T16:33:00.000+12:00

I'll give you the smurfing of your life!
Smurf you man! You have always been a smurfing smurf face. Smurf the smurf out of here!
Come here and smurfing say that you smurf. Smurf you and the smurfing horse you rode in on!
Smurf your smurf and smurf the smurf out of your smurfing smurf!

2005-07-19T11:49:00.000+12:00

What the hell? I only put my sandwich down for a moment and now it’s gone. Next thing you know my pants will follow. Better take them off before that happens.

2005-07-18T16:16:00.000+12:00

I sent that to you!

No. You sent me a file.

No, I sent you this. Stop arguing son of a beeeatch

No you didn't ... you ... you ... you big diddle!

You are so much in trouble me laddie

And I'm looking forward to the punishment

That sounds right….

Mmmmm

Keep on keepin' on

Now what the heck is that meant to mean huh? ! I mean really!!!

Do you really mean really?

Careful mate ... I really really really mean really

Well, if you really mean it… then how can I say banana?

Depends on whether you need a ladder or not ... cause you gotta need one to get out of the hole you is digging!

I am going to China I tell ya

That's Spain d1ckhead

What chew talking about Willis?

Talk to the hand coz the face don’t wanna know

Game over man! Game over!

Beer

2005-07-18T13:51:00.000+12:00

Ever had one of those nights when you drink a dozen beer ... don't get drunk and don't get a hangover the following?
Then you have a couple of cheeky Mako chandy's (low alcohol beer with soft drink) and end up with the hangover from Hell?
So what's up with that?

2005-07-18T13:50:00.000+12:00

ta matey potatoey

Super duper snooper

Weirdo

Your point sir?

I'm not sure ...

2005-07-18T12:42:00.000+12:00

I think Harry Potter would kick Superman's butt. Not a fair fight though, because Superman isn't a real person.

2005-07-15T14:45:00.000+12:00

Right, here's the plan.

Stan you wait round the back while Jim and Marie rush the front door waving flowers. Gordon and I will be waiting in the car listening to Classic Hits, it has to be that station. George, meanwhile, will be eating vegetarian lasagne at the corner of King St and Main.

Got it?

Random #1

2005-07-15T14:32:00.000+12:00

Yer I agree ... what an average list of people/// barely heard of any of them ...
Bastard
I mean who calls a kid Sugar?
Well, he had to fight for it I guess…
Pussy ... I'd fight him!
Well, you would, now!
... not my fault he's old.
I heard it was
Damn I thought that was going to be kept under wraps. I blame the Dolphins personally ...
They blame you… let's not play that game ok?
Up to you but Ali agrees with me ... well when I ask him he just nods his head quite a bit ...
As far as I can see he is shaking it… he is definitely with me on this one
Shaking ... nodding ... whatever. Just as long as you sleep ok at night with those sorts of accusations.
Like an f'n log my friend. Not like you and your guilty secrets…
That's dirty lil' secrets ... nothing to be guilty about.